Ultimately, it is not up to me.
“You want to kill me
And I want to die
We're a perfect match
You and I.” Mercy - U2
If anyone were ever to leaf through the pages of my journal, he would not soon misunderstand my love for and equal hatred of my profession. It is a roller coaster ride; a ship on alternately stormy and calm waters; life and death together under the same roof. Nonetheless, I am thankful and humbled that while I counsel others, the Lord continues to instruct me. I continue to learn that I do not in or of myself possess the skills, resources or prowess necessary to guard the light and keep the darkness at bay. I don't have it in me; it was only self delusion to think that I ever did. In order to attain any measure of real success as defined by scripture and not the world, I must, as John declares, decrease so that He may increase. More than a few verses immediately flood the basement of my brain:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus…” Phil 2:5
“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Phil 4:13
“Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.” Col 3:2
“The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual person judges all things, but is himself to be judged by no one. "For who has understood the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” 1 Cor. 2:14-16
I know, as the Lord has spoken, that the end of me is the true beginning of Jesus Christ in me. Not only do I not have the skill or ability to sustain my responsibilities, I do not have the authority to own what results from them. It is simply not up to me and it is foolhardy to act as though it does.
“The LORD of hosts hath sworn, saying, Surely as I have thought, so shall it come to pass; and as I have purposed, [so] shall it stand…” Isaiah 14:24
And
“For I am the LORD; I will speak the word that I will speak, and it will be performed…” Ezekiel 12:25a
The preparation, not the result, belongs to me. Obedience is mine; the outcome belongs to the Father.
As Bonhoeffer wrote, “[W]hen we speak of the things before the last, we must not speak of them as having any value of their own, but we must bring to light their relationship to the ultimate”. The things before the last, he declares, are the “penultimate,” those matters immediately prior to the happening itself. The penultimate belongs to us, to me, and we tend the soil of the garden in which the ultimate grows. The ultimate, however, belongs exclusively to the Father and He has not shared this jurisdiction with any other.
And, so, it is ultimately not up to me. "I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth.” I Cor. 3:6. To think otherwise is to burden myself with crippling actions and thoughts and perfections that are not only beyond my abilities to fulfill but also a usurpation of that which belongs only to the Lord.
It is not up to me and, as a result of this revelation, it is incumbent that I act on what I believe. And so, the question then becomes: if I know that the ultimate belongs to the Father, how do I, in thought and action, keep my place, put down my God badge, and care for the penultimate only?
Film at eleven…
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